How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
