RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
