I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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