I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize