I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
he laminated a picture of his dick.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Randomize
