I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
and you fell through a lawn chair
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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