I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
