My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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