so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I just gift wrapped bread.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
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