Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
