when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Randomize
