recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
