It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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