oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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