You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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