a queef is a wish your heart makes.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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