I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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