I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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