Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
