so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
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