i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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