God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
