Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
