i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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