new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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