last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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