Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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