i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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