i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Randomize
