I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Randomize
