i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
