I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
