I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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