fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
someone owes me an orgasm
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
