i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
