seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
