You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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