Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Randomize
