My friends, they love my intelligence
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
