she woke up with a sticky ear
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
