wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Randomize
