eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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