the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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