she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
