I just cut my nipple shaving
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
