Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
he's gonorrhea incarnate
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
