allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
