So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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