my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
He felt like a one man threesome
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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