she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
