I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
i've created a new STD.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
