Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
